2019 RETA Breeze Mar-Apr

SERVICE

The Shade Tree Mechanic volume XLI

after a bad sermon. Momma don’t take to wastin her Sunday god time by listenin to a bad sermon. If the minister don’t end with “……or you’ll burn”momma has a tendency to get upset. You can tell because after a bad sermon, her prayers include something like “bless father Haden, he’s such a nice boy”. I’m sure god knows that means momma ain’t happy. But momma tries to do the right thing. I wish I was better at it. I know that I get annoyed and don’t always describe people in the most upbeat way. But I’m tryin to work on that this year. When someone at works upset me, I’m a gonna try to remember my departed momma and hopefully I can keep from referrin to them as a dumba**. I’m not sure I can pull it off, but I’m a gonna try. I think it would make momma right proud. The shade tree grows outside of the little town of Broughton, Ohio. Where everyone is always welcome, the beer is always cold, and something is always needin fixin.

I try to use the term“nice people” because my mama taught me that everyone is nice because they are made in the image of the lord. I remember one day I stopped at mamas and she offered me a sandwich. Unusual because mama don’t make no sandwiches, mama cooked. The only time my mama made sandwiches was when the meatloaf was five days old. But anyhow, she offers me this sandwich, and I says “sure, got any mustard?” I didn’t get this size, by turnin down free sandwiches. So she opens the refrigerator and takes out a store bought sandwich. I was plumb flubbergassed. So’s I ask, “mama wheerd you’ll get this sandwich”. “You remember Lisa Cooveley, her momma was a Hicks, bless her heart, and her daddy was never found. Well she works at the lunch counter at the center. She is such a nice girl”. My ears perked up. When my mama would meet someone that annoyed the he** out of her, she would refer to them as a “nice girl” or a “nice boy.”“She’s a nice girl” became a code word. You see I knowed that “She’s a nice girl”was mommas way of remindin herself that Lisa was made in god’s image and Momma shouldn’t be mad at her. But that usually meant, momma was pis=ed as he**. So I was plumb curious to hear where this sandwich came from, preferable before I ate it. There was no doubt I was a gonna eat it, heck, it’s a free sandwich, but I did want to know what I was gettin into.

So momma continued. “Well Miss Coove- ley, god bless her, kept insistin that I take one and I kept sayin no. Well, bless her heart, she must be hard of hearin because she kept askin and I kept sayin no until she finally shoved it at me. I took that sand- wich and so much grease ran out of it, that it plum ruined my Saturday go to church dress. There was so much grease on the floor I think the minister is praying for Brother Henry’s carpet cleaning company to offer to clean it. I couldn’t eat it causin all that grease upsets me stomach, but I didn’t want to throw it away cause I knowed you boys don’t get the cookin you should. I’m just glad you married a nice girl. But anyway, that’s how I come to get that there sandwich from Lisa. She’s such a nice girl” Wow, She’s a nice girl and a couple of bless her hearts. I was surprised momma didn’t cut a switch on her. There was no way I was gonna try to defend my wife against the cookin comment. Every husband learns that momma is always right, and every husband learns that their wife’s always right and when their wife and mother are together and arguin, the husband is scre**ed, But I gotta hand it to momma, instead of screamin and talking about how dumb Lisa was, momma tried to stay upbeat. She looked for the best in people when she could. She tried to use positive words. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying momma is a saint. I would bet that the ministers ears start burnin

20 RETA.com